Hatch an elaborate plan to adhere to an Ayurvedic diet involving lots of cooking utensils and complex preparation techniques you don’t currently have/know. Send a fair amount of time fretting over this before springing to action. Like, several weeks. Reread the book that inspired you, making sure to dogear pages, but again, take no action whatsoever.
Tell partner about plan. Feel authentic confusion regarding his disinterest.
Make your shopping list. This should take at least three hours.
Drive to Whole Foods. Forget your wallet. Drive home. Realize wallet is in the car after all. Drive back to Whole Foods, this time in rush hour traffic.
Spend about 10 minutes debating between mung beans and sprouted mung beans. Spend another 10 minutes debating between brown rice and sprouted brown rice. Spend a final 10 minutes overwhelmed by the incredible variety of chiles available for purchase. Buy kale.
(When in doubt, always buy kale.)
At register, buy chocolate (which is decidedly not part of the encroaching Ayurvedic overhaul).
Realize you have forgotten reusable bags in the car. Overapologize to salesclerk for forgetting. Chastise yourself for making such a big deal over something so insignificant as you walk briskly to the car to get reusable bags. Arrive at car and realize reusable bags are in partner’s trunk, not yours.
Walk briskly back to Whole Foods, chastising yourself for forgetting bags, for making such a big deal over something so insignificant, and for just being you, generally.
Overapologize to salesclerk. Again.
Drive home with groceries, again in rush hour traffic.
Put groceries away, without incident.
Open cookbook and select a dahl appropriate for the season and you and your partner’s dosha. Because you and your partner have different doshas, this should require some additional internet research, and should take at least an hour.
Realize that in order to make dahl, mung beans must be soaked overnight. Decide to soak the beans that night and serve dahl the next night at dinner.
Forget to soak beans overnight.
Remember the beans in the morning, assume it will be sufficient to soak them all day, and put them in water at approximately 10:00 A.M. before leaving for work. Feel pleased with self for remembering at all.
Tell friend at work about your Ayurvedic aspirations, specifically, your plan to make dahl. Try to remain upbeat as she informs you that beans must be soaked at least 12 hours.
Arrive home from work. Spend several minutes actually entertaining the thought of dining after midnight.
Look through cookbook for other (faster) menu options. There are none, of course. This is an Ayurvedic cookbook.
Realize you have wasted the afternoon and it is time for your partner to arrive home from work.
Forget about soaking beans.
Remember soaking beans the following day, but forget about them again. Do this several times.
Find (and thus remember) soaking beans as you are cleaning the kitchen exactly one week later. At this point, they will be decidedly unusable and they will smell.
Dump expensive Whole Foods beans in garbage, muttering something like, “Stupid expensive Whole Foods beans.”
Fill the pot with another round of mung beans and water. Set on stove to soak overnight.